Breathe

 "You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone"

-Lights (Ellie Goulding)

It never mattered what time I decided to fall asleep at night. I was waking up at 5am and I won't be going back to sleep unless I decided to try again at 11am. But I guess that's my fault for breaking my body clock one too many times.
It's okay. At least I know I can give myself longer days and commit to my tasks of the day.
That's a fucking lie. Those post it notes I stuck on my computer for those days I'm lucid enough to believe I can change won't matter. I'll still go on living without living.
I check my phone, ignoring the muffled screaming in my head telling me I won't be able to stop scrolling until 7am if I do.
Twitter, Instagram, Tiktok... They're nonsense. But I'm so bored of life that every little tidbit of tea that I can find that will stir me or make me laugh for at least 5 seconds makes them valuable of to me. But credit to myself today. I tried putting it down and going back to sleep. Obviously I failed because I didnt take more than 3 winks to open back my phone to waste time. Time that I cannot tell because my body lives as if time was fleeting.
It was 5am. Then it was 6am. Then it was 9am.
The alarm goes off and I have to "get up". Fun.
I finally put down my phone and stare up at the ceiling.
Yes. Contemplate life some more, think about a few silly conversations with my friends and think about the people who came and went. The people you chose to believe would be there forever and vanished. The people who still want to be there for you but you forget they exist.
"Jettes." My roommate, Leon, knocks on my door. "I'm heading off in 40 minutes. Do you need a ride to work?"
I do. I have work in 2 hours but our apartment is like at the end of the train stations and taking the train would take me at least an hour and 30 minutes to get there. At least if my best friend takes me, I'll be there in at least just an hour.
"Nah. It's fine. I can take the train."
There was no response at first. Then a sigh. "Okay. Tell me if you change your mind."
His footsteps become quiet as he walks away from my door. I turn my head back up to the ceiling and breathe in.
I can make it in time. My mind so arrogantly tells me again. But I know I'll have to call the office up to tell them I'll be late again. Then I turn once again, cover my body with my sheets.
From here, I could hear my friend prepare his lunch and go to the bathroom to take a shower. It's so mundane and normal that I sometimes forget its a person. And everyday I feel guilty that I someone so close to me is someone I forget exists.
I stir for another 40 minutes and I could hear Leon walk towards the front door.
"Last chance, Jettes." I don't reply. I could feel him shake his head and shrug before the door shuts.
I get up, hunger I've ignored for over 2 hours finally winning me over.
My mind is already mentally dreading over the decision I have to make.
I look over the food stored in the fridge. Leon had always made it a point to be meticulous about preparation and storage. But I guess that's what having a chef for a roommate is like.
Beef Stroganov, hard pass. Spaghetti? I had noodles yesterday. Fried chicken... mental note to eat that tonight. Assuming I remember anyway. Tempura maki. Nah.
My eyes drift over to the container of Mac and Cheese I made for myself 2 nights ago.
I just ate that last night.
My hands already pull the container and head to the microwave.
Why do I do this to myself?
~
I stare at my laundry, taking a minute to decide if I was gonna call in sick or dig into the clothes I refuse to fold for a button up.
I need money to pay for my vices. I tell myself.
Reluctantly, I find a slightly less crumpled blue button up. I can just hide its state with my jacket.
My phone pings, notifying me that my uber driver is just downstairs.
I nod to myself and grab my badge, backpack, and headphones.
"Jettes Manner?" The driver asks.
"That's me." I beam and buckle my seatbelt.
I put my headphones on, the music turning my brain off and leaving me on communal autopilot.
The new Paramore single, This Is Why, playing on repeat as my brain scrutinizes the beats from the guitar and the bass and the drums and the pitch of Hayley's voice. My spotify has a lot of wonderful songs. But this song was just the latest of things that stimulated my brain.
It was Lights by Ellie Goulding 2 weeks ago. Capabilities Unseen by Void_Chords a month ago. Body by Mother Mother 3 months ago.
I don't know why I'm like this. My fingers just rewind and replay and eventually I'm at the station.
"Stay safe." I tell the driver and make my way to the station. The train arrives in 3 minutes and I'm using the local train app to see how long it would take me to reach my building.
I was going to be 10 minutes late.
Just as I predicted I would be.
I pull out my phone and pause my music to call the office, hoping our Area Manager, Andy, doesn't pick up.
"Y'ello. This is Sean speaking." Thank god.
"Hey. It's Jettes. I'm just gonna be a little late. Missed the earlier train."
"Yeah sure s'all good. I'll see you later."
He hangs up and I go back to enjoying my music.
At least until the invasive thoughts came by to interrupt again.
You should have left with Leon. Do you think you even have a future the rate you're going? Where's that novel series you said would be done 10 years ago?
Pathetic.
Oh this cat meme is really funny. I should send it to Nica and Thea.
Does Blizzard hate Symmetra that much?
I like this fan art of Jake.
Gotta fold my laundry and clean my room when I get home.
Wait what's that thing called again?
I breathe in, my mind going on overdrive to the sound of Lights by Ellie Goulding again after I remind myself of that song and the Supercrooks meme.
4 more stops before I get there and I try to mentally organize myself so I can have a good day at work.
I exhale, trying to focus intently on the music.
It doesn't take 5 seconds for me to zone out.

-Author Notes:
This is probably one of the few things I've written without any planning.
I didn't think much about this when I was writing it and based it mostly on instinct and struggles I find myself facing with my ADHD. I might write some more when I have the time.